conversation

I am not a talking people and I am not good at keeping conversation going too. I could feel some people slowly disappeared as I didn't fit well with them. so I tried to be different, to talk more than I ever did in my life. yes it went well at first, but I looked fool in the end. then I went away, kept my distance and mourned all over my soul left. I knew I shouldn't be anybody else but myself. to be alone in your own world is sometimes a torture. you will question everything and almost anything that comes up in your head as if your imagination continues to grow and you fell down and hurt. when you realize it isn't real, you will be okay. and you will have to know, that what ever you feel, someone will help you go thru this. in the end, all you have to do is to thank them.

things I picture in my head, is sometimes mental.

kecilnya kau rasa

sometimes, I feel like world has its own way to express the situation. and sometimes, I can predict how and what will happen if something is in place. with all these expression of the world, which any prediction matches up to it, and I wonder why should I be sad or angry. because I can only rely on hopes, that loosely hold.

now I have got to know that there is something better than hope. something that I don't know but it is beautiful and I should not be waiting anymore. because one day, the hope itself will come and ask to have a little bit time to spend with. and something beautiful will appear, with guilty.

aku baru sedar sekarang dunia harapan yang selama ni tempat gua bermain, cuma mainan awan dan pelangi.

favorite food

well I'm not that choosy when it comes to food. beside the food that is forbidden(haraam), I eat almost anything and I would like to try everything. I don't have special favorite food but in general I can say I would like it to be spicy but that doesn't make all the spicy food listed in my favorite food, it is just if there is a choice.

but I never had a chance to try exotic food. like ulat sagu ke, belalang goreng ke. hehe. one day perhaps.

dulu gua makan kapur black board, minum air suling dalam makmal, apa benda entah.

an extension (cont.)

"if it is all a lie, the truth not far behind."

a proper advise to some extremist out there. we can say anything serious, to be serious in anything doesn't matter. but to understand the situation does matter, it should be at your first consideration before anything. you have what you want, even though it isn't complete. but what you need to continue the lying? or to fight for the truth? have you ever been in everybody's situation?

when I read my previous entry, I would picture this,

"sometimes, I can over think because it is limitless. when situation happens, my mind would continue playing and if it isn't satisfied, I do repeat the same situation again, and create a better one. but it will never satisfy me. "

I can't stay in a truth, because of architecture of my life. but one day when everything has already complete, everything that is in my imagination, which is satisfying me, I will definitely, disappear and live in a very truth.

the strongest part of the wall, is being constructed, love.

apa kebenda

bukan nak cakap salah syaitan kalau gua marah, memang gua ni pemarah. dengan sebab, ataupun dengan sebab yang sebaliknya gua salah, tapi takpe lah suka hati gua ah nak marah. dan gua tak pernah marah takda sebab.

dan kadang kadang, atau kebiasaannya, gua marah diri gua sendiri, but when it comes to 'meeting people' so yeah padan muka kena sekali. bulan puasa ni nak marah government ah. gua sabar je call, tak answer. buat kerja ke mengulo entah gua pun tak tahu, bukannya kena conduct spacecraft, launching satellite, observing traffic ke apa.

kalau gua just call empat lima hari gua tak cerita kat sini.

Ramadhan 2013

I may not be a perfect Muslim. I don't even try to be better. I failed to manage myself, even at the worst part I have been through and I can't see the light of hope I could get out of here. so, can ask you guys a favor anytime during this Ramadhan, can you make a Dua for this boy? say his name in your prayers muhammad 'arif, as if only once you could say my name, only once.

May Allah reward you the best honor. your names are always in mine.

mula mula

actually, if you go easy on me, I will be really appreciative. because I was born to have those obsession towards something. if I told you I talked to my toys when I was small (gila haha).

I really love to share, like seriously. not by posting it in blog, which in certain extent I do, but to have a conversation. maybe some people don't feel comfortable to have such a conversation with me, in this case I would say this conversation is more to sharing without being judgmental, and some people just fit and make me feel comfortable.

I don't know how and when exactly I made friends with this creature. but at first glance, I don't think I can make friends with someone who is quiet (because I am quiet too and that would not make any sense to be friends), who doesn't socially present and already in relationship. when I heard one of my friends says "dia bukan macam tu sebenarnya dulu sama je gila, sebab room mate dia macam tu." so I was like, this little fella is having the same situation and maybe she will understand. so I texted her, lightly.

Ohmaigad, we shared things in common, lol. it is not about omaigad I fall for her and let's make out. that is so wrong. I always respect her relationship, as if I don't really like to have those kind of relationship by now. so please. she can be from a funny, to a total plain boring creatures. haha. maybe people don't realize or she underestimates herself, that she is a good listener and a dreamer. pure little fella wants her world become real, and she does, but not totally.

but basically I share things and she understands. that is how I like it flows. I share problems, and way she counters make it better. it is not about to exactly find the answer of all the problems, but to have a different view of looking at it. I know I can't get out from my vague life, because of things I left, is currently haunting me. but at least I know, she knows, that something has to be shared, as it is relieving or maybe it is a new perspective to feel better in another way.

please don't let this fellowship fall by any unreliable matter.

hey entri ini juga berunsur paksa, tapi tahap kedua.

cerita sementara

so semenjak dua ni gua banyak tidur, sebenarnya gua paling benci tidur petang. masa gua kecik kecik dulu gua selalu tinggal kampung masa tu rumah nenek gua kayu lagi ada beranda bagai dan rumah tu memang paling banyak ah kenangan gua masa kecik. gua memang lasak, tapi tak banyak cakap. oh maaf kali ni gua bukan nak cerita zaman kanak kanak gua (well maybe one day I will post those entry).

biasanya gua akan describe satu satu kawan yang gua sayang. even if they don't sayang gua, tapi at least gua appreciate diorang but eversince tak pernah lagi ah kawan yang gua describe kat blog gua ni tinggalkan gua cuma ada dua tiga cerita yang gua tak tahu apa puncanya, gua hilang mereka. tapi kali ni lain sikit mungkin sebab ada yang baru nak membesar, baru reti membaca, baru nak bla bla, jadi gua rasa macam takda selera nak buat entri pasal diorang. tapi gua tahu satu hari nanti gua akan cerita pasal diorang pada pembaca sekalian (ceh macam ada orang baca, gila). 

bukan yang mana mana

biasanya kawan itu aku anggap sebagai pelukis dongeng dan juga novelis dalam dunia dia. aku ambil inspirasi "dunia aku dan kau itu tidak pernah sama, jadi tiada istilah dunia kita.". aku tangguhkan dahulu maksud yang berkaitan tentang dunia cinta. cuma entri selepas ini lebih kepada cerita cerita biasa.

jadi kali ni, aku diserbu dengan inkuiri bebas dari dunia realiti.
dan jika engkau sedar entri kali ini cuma berunsur paksa, tahap pertama.

few more days to go

went thru some of the earliest entries. aku rasa aku start blogging masa aku nak masuk mrsm rasanya. memang poyo lagi ayat masa tu. yang banyak bagi inspirasi pada aku dulu ialah Izzati. aku suka cara dia olah ayat walaupun nampak biasa tapi rasa nak baca tu ada. tak tahu lah mungkin masa tu balak dia geng geng A Samad Said gitu. aku jugak selesa kalau bergaduh dengan dia, tapi entahlah, salah aku semuanya dah renggang, semuanya. tapi sayangnya baru baru ni, dia dah delete account blog dia. so aku perasan aku tanya kenapa, dia kata dah tanak blogging. 

tapi bila aku baca entri entri lama rasa muda, ulang ulang benda yang sama. tapi yang paling aku rasa galak pasal cinta ah haha. sebenarnya aku lagi banyak idea masa aku "obses" dengan dia entahlah. tapi apa pun aku rasa nampak bodoh tu tak salah, cuma jangan kacau orang la. sekarang ni aku rasa pengabaian perlu dilaksanakan. ambil peduli, susun dan seimbangkan supaya tak jatuh. 

gua rindu makhluk makhluk kat atas ni. sebab makhluk makhluk ni buat gua rasa ada keluarga,masa gua jauh daripada keluarga. 

sebab sakit sebenarnya jatuh ni. 

in common

when situation is getting out of control, which ever I can't decide to be on which side. when the time comes, I will take a long breath, thinking and leaving. both are wrong and both are ones I love.

so I have decided, to take a tour of my credibility towards creativity. because the plain has more idea than the painted one.

silence is the best achievement yet the hardest.