hitler has made a statement

"I got 9 As and 1 B. I could have straight A's on my SPM, but I left 1 B to let the world know that As are not everything." - facebook status

came across this statement remind me about my past examinations. As ain't everything but of course your chances is high to get into top university to further your study, but it is not always helpful. I felt hopeless after few times my application for scholarship weren't accepted. I could have reached my potential of being a student if I got the scholarship though, it is kind of motivational for me but I didn't succeed. I feel weak and even weaker when I found out this place isn't a place of study at all. it is the environment that made me feel weak, and everyday is a challenge for me to continue living my life over here.

looking at my previous result makes me a little surprised, and I thought I could have been better. I believe what has been destined is just right for me, I believe that Allah has a better plan for me in the near future, either in my faith or my worldly perspectives.

however it is, I would try my best to improve myself, to improve my quality of life by learning lessons from the nature more than human, it is just because nature didn't change that much and God hide secrets behind it. life is complicated just like how complicated your body respond to any environmental changes and it can be learnt for those who wants to.

but I am still looking forward to learning human psychology in more details, 

terima kasih dan maaf

terima kasih dan maaf ni pada gua memang mempunyai perasaan yang berbeza. terima kasih dan maaf juga pada gua sangat bernilai, sangat bernilai.

sejak gua belajar kat sini, kebanyakan perkataan perkataan yang aku rasa bernilai, dengan mudah dikotorkan dengan mulut mulut manusia yang busuk. kalau tidak mulut yang busuk, masakan perkataan perkataan itu boleh dikotorkan bukan? 

seperti terima kasih dan maaf juga telah dikotorkan. terima kasih ni macam seseorang yang lapar, lalu dia bersungguh mencari makanan dan akhirnya dia berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. dan terima kasih ni sangat berkualiti dan boleh diterima pakai. berbeza dengan seseorang yang lapar lalu dia meminta sedangkan dia mampu untuk berusaha dan akhirnya dia dengan bersahaja berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. terima kasih seperti ini pada aku telah dikotorkan secara total. 

begitu juga dengan maaf. ia seperti sang raja yang telah membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia bertaubat lalu meminta maaf secara rambang walau di hadapan ahli keluarga mereka dan meminta untuk dibalas dengan kadar yang setimpal. maaf seperti ini sangat bernilai dan tidak tercemar walaupun sedikit. sebaliknya, jika sang raja yang membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia menyesal lalu meminta maaf melalui siaran khas di kaca televisyen, kemudian dia bersuka ria dengan kehidupannya. maaf ini telah dikotorkan dengan zalim, dan perlu dihina sampai mati.

mungkin analogi ini terlalu tinggi bagi sesetengah manusia yang masih menilai melalui perspekstif yang tidak seimbang. mungkin entri kali ni gua belum lagi beremosi secara lebih garang. cuma sedih tengok manusia ni, kata orang tapi dia pun sama, ada yang lebih teruk lagi tapi kadang kelakar pun ada. gua pun selalu jugak cakap tak serupa bikin, tapi gua sedar benda tu.

semoga Allah beri hidayah dan petunjuk pada gua dan semua.

seperkara yang aku telah lupa bahawa semuanya ditadbir oleh Allah.
dan sepatutnya aku membuatkan pentadbirku suka, bukan manusia.

kerana maksud hidup manusia biasa saja berubah, mengikut suka. 

naluri alam

hujan yang seperti tiada rasa malu untuk meluahkan rasa sedihnya. awan awan bersatu dan menutup matahari seperti menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada bumi. mendung dan suasana nyaman yang dibawa angin berkeras untuk tinggal bersama, siapa sangka ego mereka lebih tinggi dari awan sehingga tulang yang membentuk tubuh ini terpaksa menikmati rasa sejuk yang dicucuk mereka. ombak jugak tidak ketinggalan mencari ruang untuk memperkenalkan diri walaupun terpaksa membunuh rakannya sendiri. pokok pokok seperti biasa teguh dengan pendirian mereka, tetapi ada juga yang tumbang. mungkin ada sesuatu yang sains belum lagi mendapatkan jawapan kepada persoalan ini.

atau mungkin ini masanya kita biarkan alam beremosi.

a neglected letter

I have been always wanted to tell you about our story which you probably have forgotten. you are the only girl that I think I fit in. though at some point, we have grown up, and changed as well.

however, the story that made up our relationship this far is always playing again and again in my head. I neglect to get closer to any girls in university which made myself a bit nerd as I looked in class. but I feel lonely sometimes, then I tried to contact you and story-telling. but you didn't respond very well. I feel guilty over again.

I hope you will remember all of the things that tied us up as friends, or maybe I told myself we are not just friends but more than that. 

I miss you but I couldn't tell. 

Regards,
Arifsamshuri

jadi esok ada kerja lapangan untuk subjek parasit di tasik kenyir. fikiran aku tak lekang dengan amukan emosi yang memaksa aku untuk berenang kali ni. dah terlalu lama masalahnya aku tak main air. tapi tengoklah nanti macam mana.

oh jadi ketua lagi.

a change

everyday when I woke up, I would try my best to be positive, which I thought the vibes could help me get through the day. however, I failed, and I get angry to myself. it is not nice to judge people by saying they are negative and I am not labeling particular person as negative but the negative comes up in everyone, including myself. but this sort of negatives vibe either from people surround me, or even from myself, stop me from being positive. then I change the term positive to happiness, and to be happy instead of being positive.

so I watched this one video about how to be happy by David Steindl-Rast. his talk was very inspiring. he relates happiness with gratefulness. when we are being grateful, we will be happy but not every time when we are happy, we are being grateful. yess, that is one of the part that I missed, even though I had been taught about gratefulness in Islam since I was young. I feel as if this feeling should be a common sense so I never figure it out. well, I was wrong from the start. I should find the method to feel grateful. every moment was given to us is a chance for us, to look for an opportunity to be grateful. perhaps, I could try it more often.

grateful makes me happy, then hopefully by being happy makes me positive.