farewell pt 1

"dalam seumur hidup aku tak pernah aku ke Terengganu sehingga aku dapat keputusan diterima belajar di Universiti Malaysia Terengganu."

It was funny when my family and I went here for the first time, and we did not really find anything "interesting" except the beaches and pasar payang (for my mum). my brother teased me and said "habislah kau duduk sini mereput." and well how was I supposed to feel like? I felt moody, with all of the consequences that brought me here. I should deserve better than this, and kept blaming myself for choosing this course when applying university.

I was the one who was not really independent when it comes to living by my own (because I am used to living in the hostel, where I have got my own table, my own bed and wardrobe; I feel complete). I would rather, at that moment, chose to stay in the hostel but I didn't, because I wanted to try.

ever since I know, I cannot deal with too much stress in life. then everything was a mess. developing your strength in a middle of depression was not easy as I thought it would be. then I felt like everybody didn't understand me, I needed my own time but it was never enough. but I was wrong all the time. time flew so fast before I could realize that I cannot face all the problems all by myself.

Semester 5 and 6 were the best semesters I had ever felt, as we had that "enough" free time to spend together (perhaps the moment I started to move on from the past) and I knew that what I want was not the place, but the friendship that can make me smile and cry. I realized that everybody was willingly there to listen, share and help me sorting out my life.

I know I have been doing it wrong from the first, I was too late to tell everyone that I am ready to be there for them as they are ready for me, I wasn't being a really "good" friend, I was a mess, but above all they are still up and accept me as their friends. these are kind of friends, I will never forget and nothing I could repay but wishing them the best of luck in their life.

*tears* 

surprisingly

"today, I see people with this kind of heart; heartless."

some people might be able to see the differences between someone who is depressed and fine. Praise to Allah that He has given me that humble ability. one thing I want to advise those people who don't, that people do care to each other, and other people might overthink about your incapacity. you might not feel or realize because you don't have that ability to see differences, or if you do, and you don't care; heartless.

I have never been treated by so-called friend that way, and today, I have received a different vibe which telling me that not piety or intelligence that make you good, or being compassionate. how pious you are or how much knowledge you have, sometimes in life you disappoint people, and you have wronged your principle of life, your heart is affected by hatred, ego and selfishness. and yet, you are so proud of being one. I am so regret of spending time thinking about these people and now, I have neglected myself in way that I shouldn't have been.

sometimes, you need to look around and say, hey I am so unfortunate and I need to help and to be helped. because that is one of the reason why Allah send us here. sometimes people are not able to change (to be better) or don't want to receive advise or asking for advise, and still bragging about what you have (though it is not good) in the moment, but they can even do nothing. So, may Allah grant lights to show them which is good in life, not only in academics.

if you met these kind of people, I would suggest you to not rely on these people. because one day when you are so sad or in trouble, they will never be there for you. unless you asked for it.

may Allah strengthen my faith. Salam Ramadan.

tak boleh

mana boleh turn back time. but in your head, what else could you do exactly. setiap malam sebelum aku tidur, aku akan cakap sikit "esok aku nak bangun pagi dengan semangat yang baru." but what strength do I have? 

I feel like they don't love me anymore. if I am to be positive all the way, aku boleh cakap maybe sejak dah ada commitment lain, perhaps they are too tired to care about me. 

sejak dari dulu, aku masuk boarding school di ceruk Negeri Sembilan, Daerah Jempol. you could reach there by bus, or train. and nak ke sekolah aku took another 30 minutes from stesen bas. boleh kira guna jari berapa kali they come and visit me. aku tak kisah pun sebab aku pun malas sebenarnya nak suruh diorang datang redah jalan yang entah pape tu semata mata nak tengok aku. but deep inside, aku nak diorang datang. sekarang, it has been 3 years aku kat Terengganu and they never visit me. as usual, when they asked me "nak datang tak?" aku jawab "takpe ah.", dalam hati "nak datang datang je ah.".

so, most of the time aku on the phone with them, tapi recently, it's not really a good conversation to me. it doesn't feel like old times, which I can be pampered and a spoiled son. sometimes, when I called them, I feel like they don't have interest nak cakap dengan aku. well perhaps, it is just my feelings but it hurts in many ways. sebenarnya, aku call sebab aku sedih, dan aku harapkan something yang boleh bagi aku kekuatan sikit and, I don't get it. kekuatan yang sebenarnya aku ada sekarang ni aku mintak dari Tuhan, dan aku bina sikit sendiri.

orang yang paling kau sayang pun suatu hari nanti takan sayang kau lagi macam mana dia sayang kau dulu, atau rasa sayang itu akan pergi bila dia dah takda lagi. growing up sucks, tambah lagi kalau lelaki.

if I could turn back time, tak boleh masalahnya.

now

what really matters to me? sometimes, I can't tell how much I love or appreciate something. I wonder why sometimes people wasted their life, creating moments that they want to forget. every moment in this life is a story, although it is not special.

that's why in this life, there is good and bad. every time we do bad, do good. if you can't do good, don't do bad. it is a simple rule that most of the people neglect it including myself. I tried so hard to do good, but it always looks bad. then, you feel like life rules you, when you are supposedly ruling life.

but what hurt most is, sometimes, life's rules don't work on certain people. for example, good looking people will be a good people. but not-so-good-looking people will not be good until they do good.

life sucks, right?

part of challenge?

aku punyai sebab yang cukup untuk berasa marah, tapi aku tidak. aku tahu hari yang memenatkan ni akan berakhir dengan perkara yang menyedihkan. atau marah yang aku pendam akhirnya siapa yang rasa? aku jugak,

mungkin challenge yang Tuhan bagi hari ni, untuk sedarkan aku betapa jauhnya aku dengan Dia. mungkin juga aku terlalu memohon yang terbaik dari-Nya, dan Tuhan berikan aku balasan yang setimpal. tapi aku boleh lagi tabah dengan challenge yang Tuhan bagi.

walhal sebenarnya aku musnah. Tuhan, aku sedih.

my feelings

suatu ketika aku dipengaruhi dengan rasa marah yang sangat dramatik sehingga aku lupa siapa diri aku ketika itu. walau aku rasa aku dilabel dengan pelbagai label ketika itu, tapi aku rasa selesa dengan diri aku sendiri; diri aku yang marah dan penuh dengan hati yang luka. kerana pada aku, perasaan itu perlu dilayan, untuk aku kenal dengan pelbagai perasaan yang hadir dan marah bukan setakat perasaan, tetapi ia pencetus kepada pelbagai rasa lain seperti kesal dan sedih.

tapi sekarang, aku kurang berasa marah. entah dari mana datangnya rasa nak buang rasa marah bila aku marah. jika membuang rasa marah itu dikatakan matang, aku kurang setuju. oleh sebab aku kurang marah, aku rasa lebih tertekan, rasa kurang puas. perasaan ketika membuang rasa marah sebenarnya sesuatu yang sangat pedih dan payah sekali. mungkin kali ini aku perlu sedikit optimis dan menganggap untuk tidak berasa marah itu sebagai pencetus kepada rasa yang baru; rasa sakit yang terpaksa dipendam dan penat yang tidak dapat digambarkan. 

aku tahu ramai yang ingin jadi diri sendiri dan berpaksi pada apa yang ditetapkan. tapi percaya pada aku, jika kau biarkan rasa yang sama sahaja, kau takan dapat rasa pelbagai rasa yang Tuhan cipta untuk manusia rasa.

memang pedih dan payah untuk rasa suka bila kau rasa benci, dan memang payah untuk rasa kasihan bila kau gembira, atau apa apa rasa yang sepatutnya kau rasa tetapi kau elak. tapi jika kau bagi peluang untuk rasa itu hadir, kau akan rasa sesuatu yang kau tak pernah rasa sebelum ini dan suatu hari nanti juga, kau akan lebih matang dalam memilih rasa dan bukan setakat yang indah indah sahaja kerana banyak rasa yang akan hilang dalam diri manusia.

seperti simpati dan empati yang hampir hilang.

selalu

I always argue with myself in everything. for example when I am reading notes or any sources, I would find the easiest way to understand, and I don't use the sentences from the reading page because I don't agree.

or sometimes when I have some feeling to somebody, I will keep arguing until I find out what do I not understand. but this time, I couldn't argue anymore.

because when I argue, I lose.