entahlah

I am turning 22 this october and soon I will be graduated as a degree holder. I dont know what should I feel. If someone come to me and asked me; What have you achieved in life? Why you are so special? What are you gonna do after this? I guess, I have no answer for all that. After all these time, I just realized that one day everybody will make their decision. It is weird though we made choices, but did it go as we planned? Someone told me that, we already made choice before we realized. I dont know maybe she was right, but this time is not like always.

Life is not about school and homework, or hanging out with friends and family. But it is about how much knowledge do you have to move further. You cant forever rely on your parents or friends to support your life. If only you are so lucky, and your parents are millionaire or what ever and then you shouldn't have to worry that much. "Real world has real consequences". If you have enough knowledge or experiences, then it might not affect you that much but if you dont, it is too dangerous. So are you brave enough to make decision?

"Once you get into an academic world, you will be updated and learning new things during the process." - Dr Hafiz

"It is all up to your plan, but if you want academic to be your priority, there is no way you should stop, continue straight away while the spirit is there." - Prof Arai

"Kerja dulu, boleh terus beli Kawasaki Z250." - hati aku

Entahlah.

farewell pt 2

"we are not only knowing the best but the worst of us." 

People come and go. It's the reality that all of us have to face. But the most profound feeling of losing is when we are in teenage life. If you were a school, college or university student, you will understand what am I saying.

Finished my degree study in science (marine biology) with these people. Well, it's natural when you are in a big group of people who have different background and life history, yet all of us stand as one in fractions. Why in fractions? Biasalah ikut kepala masing masing tapi kita masih satu.

I barely remember the orientation weeks and our first trip to Bidong Island for Survival Laut Program, but I am really sure that it was part of the bonding. Then the part where we need to move in rental house and start living by our own, celebrating birthday, annual dinner, participating in program, working on experiment in the lab and get warned by Cik Md Zan for being after working hours. These moments are what we are missing after all.

Setiap orang ada kepala dia sendiri. so do I. I cannot fit in each of you guys but who ever I perfectly fit in, then they stay in my heart longer than others. But I cant say much about what they feel. Seriously, my heart has never hold grudges to those who hurt me. Those who make me angry or treat me like a trash, disrespect me, yes I was angry but I don't ever hold grudges. and I still see what I had done wrong as well, I am not always right and I have shared it in my previous entry.

We are just like a family and I hope we will be forever a family. Thanks for the commitment, thanks for the surprises, thanks for a special treats, thanks for the gifts, thanks for experience and thanks for everything. My deepest gratitude to all of you, mariners. After all these years, I choose who to stay, you choose who to stay, but we have no choice but to remember the moments we were all together.

Thanks guys.

farewell pt 1

"dalam seumur hidup aku tak pernah aku ke Terengganu sehingga aku dapat keputusan diterima belajar di Universiti Malaysia Terengganu."

It was funny when my family and I went here for the first time, and we did not really find anything "interesting" except the beaches and pasar payang (for my mum). my brother teased me and said "habislah kau duduk sini mereput." and well how was I supposed to feel like? I felt moody, with all of the consequences that brought me here. I should deserve better than this, and kept blaming myself for choosing this course when applying university.

I was the one who was not really independent when it comes to living by my own (because I am used to living in the hostel, where I have got my own table, my own bed and wardrobe; I feel complete). I would rather, at that moment, chose to stay in the hostel but I didn't, because I wanted to try.

ever since I know, I cannot deal with too much stress in life. then everything was a mess. developing your strength in a middle of depression was not easy as I thought it would be. then I felt like everybody didn't understand me, I needed my own time but it was never enough. but I was wrong all the time. time flew so fast before I could realize that I cannot face all the problems all by myself.

Semester 5 and 6 were the best semesters I had ever felt, as we had that "enough" free time to spend together (perhaps the moment I started to move on from the past) and I knew that what I want was not the place, but the friendship that can make me smile and cry. I realized that everybody was willingly there to listen, share and help me sorting out my life.

I know I have been doing it wrong from the first, I was too late to tell everyone that I am ready to be there for them as they are ready for me, I wasn't being a really "good" friend, I was a mess, but above all they are still up and accept me as their friends. these are kind of friends, I will never forget and nothing I could repay but wishing them the best of luck in their life.

*tears* 

surprisingly

"today, I see people with this kind of heart; heartless."

some people might be able to see the differences between someone who is depressed and fine. Praise to Allah that He has given me that humble ability. one thing I want to advise those people who don't, that people do care to each other, and other people might overthink about your incapacity. you might not feel or realize because you don't have that ability to see differences, or if you do, and you don't care; heartless.

I have never been treated by so-called friend that way, and today, I have received a different vibe which telling me that not piety or intelligence that make you good, or being compassionate. how pious you are or how much knowledge you have, sometimes in life you disappoint people, and you have wronged your principle of life, your heart is affected by hatred, ego and selfishness. and yet, you are so proud of being one. I am so regret of spending time thinking about these people and now, I have neglected myself in way that I shouldn't have been.

sometimes, you need to look around and say, hey I am so unfortunate and I need to help and to be helped. because that is one of the reason why Allah send us here. sometimes people are not able to change (to be better) or don't want to receive advise or asking for advise, and still bragging about what you have (though it is not good) in the moment, but they can even do nothing. So, may Allah grant lights to show them which is good in life, not only in academics.

if you met these kind of people, I would suggest you to not rely on these people. because one day when you are so sad or in trouble, they will never be there for you. unless you asked for it.

may Allah strengthen my faith. Salam Ramadan.

tak boleh

mana boleh turn back time. but in your head, what else could you do exactly. setiap malam sebelum aku tidur, aku akan cakap sikit "esok aku nak bangun pagi dengan semangat yang baru." but what strength do I have? 

I feel like they don't love me anymore. if I am to be positive all the way, aku boleh cakap maybe sejak dah ada commitment lain, perhaps they are too tired to care about me. 

sejak dari dulu, aku masuk boarding school di ceruk Negeri Sembilan, Daerah Jempol. you could reach there by bus, or train. and nak ke sekolah aku took another 30 minutes from stesen bas. boleh kira guna jari berapa kali they come and visit me. aku tak kisah pun sebab aku pun malas sebenarnya nak suruh diorang datang redah jalan yang entah pape tu semata mata nak tengok aku. but deep inside, aku nak diorang datang. sekarang, it has been 3 years aku kat Terengganu and they never visit me. as usual, when they asked me "nak datang tak?" aku jawab "takpe ah.", dalam hati "nak datang datang je ah.".

so, most of the time aku on the phone with them, tapi recently, it's not really a good conversation to me. it doesn't feel like old times, which I can be pampered and a spoiled son. sometimes, when I called them, I feel like they don't have interest nak cakap dengan aku. well perhaps, it is just my feelings but it hurts in many ways. sebenarnya, aku call sebab aku sedih, dan aku harapkan something yang boleh bagi aku kekuatan sikit and, I don't get it. kekuatan yang sebenarnya aku ada sekarang ni aku mintak dari Tuhan, dan aku bina sikit sendiri.

orang yang paling kau sayang pun suatu hari nanti takan sayang kau lagi macam mana dia sayang kau dulu, atau rasa sayang itu akan pergi bila dia dah takda lagi. growing up sucks, tambah lagi kalau lelaki.

if I could turn back time, tak boleh masalahnya.

now

what really matters to me? sometimes, I can't tell how much I love or appreciate something. I wonder why sometimes people wasted their life, creating moments that they want to forget. every moment in this life is a story, although it is not special.

that's why in this life, there is good and bad. every time we do bad, do good. if you can't do good, don't do bad. it is a simple rule that most of the people neglect it including myself. I tried so hard to do good, but it always looks bad. then, you feel like life rules you, when you are supposedly ruling life.

but what hurt most is, sometimes, life's rules don't work on certain people. for example, good looking people will be a good people. but not-so-good-looking people will not be good until they do good.

life sucks, right?

part of challenge?

aku punyai sebab yang cukup untuk berasa marah, tapi aku tidak. aku tahu hari yang memenatkan ni akan berakhir dengan perkara yang menyedihkan. atau marah yang aku pendam akhirnya siapa yang rasa? aku jugak,

mungkin challenge yang Tuhan bagi hari ni, untuk sedarkan aku betapa jauhnya aku dengan Dia. mungkin juga aku terlalu memohon yang terbaik dari-Nya, dan Tuhan berikan aku balasan yang setimpal. tapi aku boleh lagi tabah dengan challenge yang Tuhan bagi.

walhal sebenarnya aku musnah. Tuhan, aku sedih.