manusia dan telefon pintar

Rata rata manusia memiliki telefon pintar. Tak kira bangsa, agama mahupun usia. Dunia berubah dengan begitu pantas sehingga gua tak sempat nak banding analisa tentang telefon pintar dan perubahan sosial dari masa ke masa.

Betul, kepentingan teknologi kini sangat penting. Tapi sejauh mana kepentingan itu diletakkan; adakah lebih dari Tuhan? Kebelakangan ni gua tertarik untuk melihat penggunaan telefon pintar di kalangan manusia dan gua membanding nilai dengan diri gua. Ternyata secara zahir, kita leka dengan apa yang berlaku di sekeliling kita. Kita lebih kisah dengan perkara yang jauh dari kita daripada apa yang berlaku di depan mata.

Dalam masjid pun kita masih berurusan dengan dunia maya, kita mudah bosan ketika menunggu azan, ketika rasa macam nak lepak dalam masjid tanpa niat iktikaf dan sebagainya. Susah untuk kita mengambil masa 30 minit untuk diam dan menikmati bunyi kipas angin masjid sambil menggerak gerakkan bibir memohon ampun dari Tuhan atau memuji-Nya. Itu dengan Tuhan, dengan manusia lain pulak gaya dia. Macam gua? Apa lu rasa bila lu selisih sebelah gua ketika gua asyik bermesra dengan telefon pintar gua dan waktu tu lu rasa nak sedekah senyum pada gua? Atau masa tu lu ada gula gula lebih nak bagi gua, tapi gua tak sedar kehadiran lu walau sebatu jauhpun lu dah senyum pada gua.

Sebenarnya gua pun sama, tak dapat lari dari telefon pintar gua. Tapi dengan adanya dua mata dan hati yang sentiasa soal menyoal, gua terkedu diam. Jika gua pun tak mampu untuk meletak telefon pintar gua lebih rendah nilainya dari mentaliti gua, bagaimana mentaliti gua nak maju?

Jangan biar telefon sahaja pintar, okay?

bonsai

Hujung minggu ni gua dapat job siram pokok. Lu boleh gelakan gua tapi pokok yang gua siram ni harganya beribu. Awalnya gua pelik, kenapa istimewa sangat pokok ni, jadi gua pun bual bual dengan tuan punya pokok ni tentang keistimewaanya. Sambil sambil dia ajar gua cara menyiram, dia cerita tentang pertandingan bonsai dan dia pernahlah jugak dapat habuan daripada apa yang dia usahakan tu.

Selama gua hidup selama 22 tahun, baru gua tahu bonsai bukan pokok tapi satu landskap mini yang digubah mengikut minat. Jadi gua rasa banyak lagi yang gua tak tahu tentang bonsai dan sekarang gua fikir, gua perlu jalankan tugas menyiram gua dengan penuh dedikasi sebab kalau pokok tu mati, gua pun mati nanti.

Teringat akan ibu. Tapi ibu suka orkid :)

mimpi terbang

gua tak pasti sebelum ni gua ada cerita tentang mimpi gua terbang atau tak. mungkin kali ni gua nak cerita tentang itu.

gua ada beberapa mimpi yang konsisten, dan biasanya gua akan ingat mimpi tu. tapi satu mimpi yang sangat konsisten sehingga sekarang ialah mimpi terbang. gua tak mampu nak cerita secara terperinci sebab gua mimpi terbang sejak gua di sekolah menengah (kalau tak silap). mimpi tu datang ikut suka hati dia, dan setiap kali gua mimpi terbang, mesti jalan cerita berkait dengan mimpi terbang sebelumnya. lu tak rasa pelik ke, gua mula mula terbang dalam mimpi terbang pertama, gua rasa takut. gua rasa diri gua yang sebenar, biasanya mimpi kan gua tengok diri gua, tapi mimpi terbang ni, gua jadi diri gua sendiri. mulalah episod pertama mimpi terbang gua sehingga beberapa bulan atau tahun gua pun dah lupa, gua mimpi terbang yang sama, rasa takut yang sama, dan kadang kadang sampai berpeluh bila gua terjaga.

tahun demi tahun, gua alami mimpi yang sama. sehingga satu tahap, gua dapat kawal apungan gua di udara. kemudian mimpi mimpi seterusnya gua cuba elak untuk berada di udara terlalu lama, bila gua rasa nak terbang baru gua terbang. paling lawak gua ngorat awek dalam pasaraya, tapi gua tanak cerita tentang tu. cuma malam tadi, gua diapit oleh dua orang selepas gua secara umumnya terbang di dalam hospital (memang silap gua).

jadi, gua tanya "lu pahal?", dua orang tu kata "ikut kami." dan selepas gua dapat rasa diorang ni nak kumpul superhero untuk niat yang... tak baik kot, jadi gua nak dilepaskan. oleh sebab diorang berkeras, gua pun terbang dan sorang ni jatuh, lepas tu mata dia berubah menjadi hitam dengan lagak marahnya. sorang lagi pula, gua turunkan dia baik baik. gua dapat rasa sebenarnya diorang ni pun ada kuasa yang gua pun tak tahu apa. akhirnya gua terbang tinggalkan diorang.

lu rasa episod seterusnya apa? sebab gua cuak ni.

anak tengah

selalunya, perkara yang paling buat gua sedih ialah apa apa yang berkaitan dengan keluarga. jika tentang awek ni memang sedih sebenarnya, cuma sedih yang manusia hadap dengan awek atau balak diorang hanya bertahan selama mana perasaan itu ada sehingga ia hilang. keluarga punya penangan bukan kepalang, tak pernah ada perkataan hilang perasaan terhadap keluarga. mana ada.

gua balik macam biasa, sebulan sekali. sejak dua tiga kali balik kebelakangan ni gua rasa rindukan keluarga gua, rasa nak cium cium semua. mungkin sebab bila gua balik sebelum ni, gua banyak habiskann masa dengan kawan kawan gua, keluar lepak tak kira masa. jadi kali ni apa kata gua nak ceria ceria dengan keluarga gua sekali sekala. 

kenapa entah bila gua buat sesuatu keputusan tu, mesti ada yang potong gua, menganjing sampai gua nangis. sejak gua buat keputusan nak ceria ceria dengan keluarga gua, masa tu mula semua gua rasa tak kena. bila lepak dengan keluarga gua, gua paling lambat sekali nak tangkap apa yang diorang bualkan, paling sedih sekali bila tidak diendahkan. memang gua jarang balik, tapi tak semestinya gua tanak balik, kan? tak payahlah gunakan alasan "lu jarang balik, lu siapa nak bagi pendapat dalam hal sekian sekian...", "lu jarang balik, kenapa kena kisah tentang hal kau...". 

gua bukan cepat melatah, walaupun lepas gua terima kata kata tu, gua terus maki, tapi gua taklah terus kekalkan label maki yang gua bagi. gua fikir balik, Tuhan bagi gua rasa dua; rasa jadi abang, dan rasa jadi adik. tapi kenapa entah gua susah nak rasa bersyukur. mungkin sebab sedih sebenarnya kalau kau fikir kau dianggap mesin yang perlukan duit, bukan kasih sayang. 

"rilek la, mungkin dia pun tak sengaja cakap benda yang sama pada lu, dia mesti tengah sedih dengan apa yang dia cakapkan tu..."

entahlah

I am turning 22 this october and soon I will be graduated as a degree holder. I dont know what should I feel. If someone come to me and asked me; What have you achieved in life? Why you are so special? What are you gonna do after this? I guess, I have no answer for all that. After all these time, I just realized that one day everybody will make their decision. It is weird though we made choices, but did it go as we planned? Someone told me that, we already made choice before we realized. I dont know maybe she was right, but this time is not like always.

Life is not about school and homework, or hanging out with friends and family. But it is about how much knowledge do you have to move further. You cant forever rely on your parents or friends to support your life. If only you are so lucky, and your parents are millionaire or what ever and then you shouldn't have to worry that much. "Real world has real consequences". If you have enough knowledge or experiences, then it might not affect you that much but if you dont, it is too dangerous. So are you brave enough to make decision?

"Once you get into an academic world, you will be updated and learning new things during the process." - Dr Hafiz

"It is all up to your plan, but if you want academic to be your priority, there is no way you should stop, continue straight away while the spirit is there." - Prof Arai

"Kerja dulu, boleh terus beli Kawasaki Z250." - hati aku

Entahlah.

farewell pt 2

"we are not only knowing the best but the worst of us." 

People come and go. It's the reality that all of us have to face. But the most profound feeling of losing is when we are in teenage life. If you were a school, college or university student, you will understand what am I saying.

Finished my degree study in science (marine biology) with these people. Well, it's natural when you are in a big group of people who have different background and life history, yet all of us stand as one in fractions. Why in fractions? Biasalah ikut kepala masing masing tapi kita masih satu.

I barely remember the orientation weeks and our first trip to Bidong Island for Survival Laut Program, but I am really sure that it was part of the bonding. Then the part where we need to move in rental house and start living by our own, celebrating birthday, annual dinner, participating in program, working on experiment in the lab and get warned by Cik Md Zan for being after working hours. These moments are what we are missing after all.

Setiap orang ada kepala dia sendiri. so do I. I cannot fit in each of you guys but who ever I perfectly fit in, then they stay in my heart longer than others. But I cant say much about what they feel. Seriously, my heart has never hold grudges to those who hurt me. Those who make me angry or treat me like a trash, disrespect me, yes I was angry but I don't ever hold grudges. and I still see what I had done wrong as well, I am not always right and I have shared it in my previous entry.

We are just like a family and I hope we will be forever a family. Thanks for the commitment, thanks for the surprises, thanks for a special treats, thanks for the gifts, thanks for experience and thanks for everything. My deepest gratitude to all of you, mariners. After all these years, I choose who to stay, you choose who to stay, but we have no choice but to remember the moments we were all together.

Thanks guys.

farewell pt 1

"dalam seumur hidup aku tak pernah aku ke Terengganu sehingga aku dapat keputusan diterima belajar di Universiti Malaysia Terengganu."

It was funny when my family and I went here for the first time, and we did not really find anything "interesting" except the beaches and pasar payang (for my mum). my brother teased me and said "habislah kau duduk sini mereput." and well how was I supposed to feel like? I felt moody, with all of the consequences that brought me here. I should deserve better than this, and kept blaming myself for choosing this course when applying university.

I was the one who was not really independent when it comes to living by my own (because I am used to living in the hostel, where I have got my own table, my own bed and wardrobe; I feel complete). I would rather, at that moment, chose to stay in the hostel but I didn't, because I wanted to try.

ever since I know, I cannot deal with too much stress in life. then everything was a mess. developing your strength in a middle of depression was not easy as I thought it would be. then I felt like everybody didn't understand me, I needed my own time but it was never enough. but I was wrong all the time. time flew so fast before I could realize that I cannot face all the problems all by myself.

Semester 5 and 6 were the best semesters I had ever felt, as we had that "enough" free time to spend together (perhaps the moment I started to move on from the past) and I knew that what I want was not the place, but the friendship that can make me smile and cry. I realized that everybody was willingly there to listen, share and help me sorting out my life.

I know I have been doing it wrong from the first, I was too late to tell everyone that I am ready to be there for them as they are ready for me, I wasn't being a really "good" friend, I was a mess, but above all they are still up and accept me as their friends. these are kind of friends, I will never forget and nothing I could repay but wishing them the best of luck in their life.

*tears*